I want it clearly understood
That I accept no responsibility for
This

This is BBC One
And this is BBC Two
And this is Benidorm, where I went on holiday
And this is, er...what is this?

This is an engineering test transmission
In preparation for the new independent
National Radio service, Fox Kids FM

Ten
Eight This is a BSB Test Transmission
Seven
Six
Five to the opening titles
Four Run VT four
Three My god, we're loosing viewers already
Two
One Animate Quantel.
Zero? Cue

Oh, Hello More or less on air, right
I'm the chicken from scene twenty one.
Your may remember that I walked into an oven in this episode.
Now I've been told by the nice people at Fox Kids,
To come and tell you kids
That I'm not

Traumatised Three Six
Traumatised Audio One
Traumatised Three Six
By a chicken Audio One
Traumatised Three Six
Traumatised Audio One
Traumatised Three Six
Cooked and eaten Audio One

Traumatised Three Six
Traumatised Audio One
Traumatised Three Six
By a chicken Audio One

Cooked and eaten Three Six
Cooked and eaten Audio One
Cooked and eaten Three Six
By a chicken Audio One

Traumatised Three Six
Traumatised Audio One
Traumatised Three Six
By a chicken Audio One

Three Six
Cooked and eaten Audio One
By a chicken Three Six
Audio One

Three Six
Cooked and eaten Audio One
By a chicken Three Six
Audio One

Three Six
Our raitings are in the toilet Audio One
Test patterns get more viewers than we do Three Six
Audio One

Traumatised, cooked and eaten, traumatised Three Six, Audio One
Traumatised, cooked and eaten, traumatised Three Six, Audio One
Traumatised, cooked and eaten, traumatised Three Six, Audio One
By a chicken, by a chicken Three Six, Audio One

Oh just make up your own line up here
It's got to be better than what's in the script
I mean, really

That narrator is a blithering idiot
I know. That's what you get on our pay scale.

Well excuse me, ladies and gentlemen
For the next few minuets I'll be in my trailer phoning my agent
My contract does not include being insulted by animated animals

I'm just a drawing, Three Six, Audio One
And some poor, so called "actor" Three Six, Audio One
Is doing my voice Three Six, Audio One
In a cheep recording studio right now Three Six, Audio One
Before his shift at the local pizza joint gets under way Three Six, Audio One

Three Six, Audio One
Of course the most horrific thing
Of being the narrator Three Six, Audio One
Is the degrading hula girl outfit Three Six, Audio One
They make me wear . Three Six, Audio One

Traumatised, Audio One
Seven Traumatised, Audio One
Six Have you got page thirty three? [Buzz Buzz] Traumatised, Audio One
Five Traumatised, Audio One
Four
Three God, we haven't got any stories Mike
Two
One Well, I haven't got any stories
Zero
Cue announcer What's he reading?
Erm, no
No?
I'm not doing all that
"London, thronging city of commource, culture and crime"
Ever again
No, if they can't see it's London
They should be swatting up on geography
not lying there spreading crumbs all over the rug and watching this
Now look here, Isambard...
Mister Sinclair to you, sonny jim
And once and for all
No

Your application is having a problem
The event power point bab touch I don't know what I'm doing here
Was caught
With message
Error fetching document I don't think I've got a cap at the moment
H T T P one seven two
Dot two one dot two two five Right it's dogs next, please
Dot nine zero colon eight zero eight zero Standby TX with dogs, please. TX with dogs? [Buzz Buzz] No.
Slash lenox upgrade underscore six slash VT two have you got fire?
Question mark trace equals sign true No, we're on fire?
Since no event handler was found Counting out
Where's the sound? Where's the sound?
TX OTHER TRACK!
The application is exiting

Three Six International
Three Six
Stereo Sound
For Television
A U D I O O N E

Study these faces carefully, children,
If one of them should come up to you in the street
And offer you candy, well
That means that your that confusing cartoons with real life.
And you are obviously watching too much television.

LEFT CHANNEL RIGHT CHANNEL

Three under par Fifteen to the colour Prod.
Three under par Stand by telecine, it sounds
Three under par Ten to the colour Prod. Like were going for another take
Sixty nine
Three under par Colour Prod. for Five No more shots
Three under par Four Stand by take two.
Sixty nine Three
Sixty nine Two
One
Take two

All right, Mo, Monty, look your my agent
You have to get me off this show, now!

We leave this veil of tears
Saying no more than
Good night out there
Whatever you are
There's now thirty seconds left on this
Well we're very sorry
We appear to have a few problems with the programme
We're looking into it
And get you back to you
As soon as possible-le-le-le-le-le

Animate Quantel or whatever you want to do
Even though your mom has one of my relatives in her oven right now.

I expected more from ITV
I, I can only wonder at the future of deregulated TV in this country
And while we're on the subject of abusing the airwaves

Ha!
What have we got next for you? No shenanigans here
Serious stuff.